I Finally Get To Embrace Myself

Disclaimer: the following story is based on what I can recall but, the dates, the when, and how aren’t as accurate because I have a memory of a chicken. So, I’m recreating my story the best way I can remember. much love, jenni <3

One day on a Saturday morning in 6th grade (sometime in 2010), my mom was making un te de anís o manzanilla (anise or chamomile tea). I thought that was for us to take on our mornings but, instead, she said: “Mija, ven aca y sientate aqui” (come over here please and sit down right here) in front of the mirror on top of the dresser. I went over and sat down confused but said okay. My mom brings out a spray bottle and starts to spray it on top of my head and then throughout my hair. I don’t question it, thinking it’s probably something healthy for my hair. When she was done, she told me to wait about two hours before washing and I say okay.

When it was time to wash my hair, I saw that the tea stained the towel and was still confused yet, didn’t question it. When my hair was tea free, I look at myself in the mirror and screamed! I was like “Mami what did you do to my hair?!?!” and she was like “Nada mija, solo te acabo de aclararte tu pelo” (Nothing, I just lightened your hair). Girl, I was dead when she said that! All I can think about is how mad my Dad was going to be furious because this is something they spoke about before and my dad told her no, to keep my virgin hair the way it is.

This was the start of me having colored hair. I won’t reveal how to do so because I don’t know the exact measurements and I don’t want my mom to get excited again now that I finally fully have my virgin hair back. AND I AM NOW 25 (just kidding, but yeah I don’t remember the steps. If you would like to know it, I can ask my mom and reply to your comment).

I know what you’re thinking “Girl how?! How did you just get your virgin hair back, you’re 25 years old! You were only 10 years old at the time because that was 15 years ago??”. Well every time my hair color was halfway, my mom would lighten it again!

Up until I got in freshman year. I got blonde highlights in the summer after 9th grade.

Then in the beginning of my sophomore year, I had to tone my blonde hair to a honey blonde to match my complexion.

Sometime in the beginning of my junior year, I colored my hair red (not bright red, almost like a lighter cranberry red, almost like a light pomegranate).

After a few weeks, the red turned into a brown and then I decided to get ombre (brown to blonde) which was a flop because the hairdresser didn’t do a great job and it just looked like a straight line but, I worked with it. Then I toned my hair to help the ombre match my complexion again.

Then came to… (drumroll please)… to when I finally decided to chop my hair off! I chopped my hair off the summer before senior year. It felt so relieving because a huge weight fell off my shoulders. My hair was so damaged! (props to my friend at the time, for encouraging me to do so, or else, I wouldn’t have done it). Since then, I fell in love with short hair. Then I dyed my hair to brown chestnut color shortly after the summer ended.

Then in my senior year, I dyed my hair black in the middle of spring because I missed my black hair (well, now that I have my virgin hair back, my hair wasn’t all black).

Once I got into college, towards the end of my freshman year of college before my Nicaragua trip, I dyed my hair back to the honey brown color. I will insert a link here if you’d like to learn more about my first study-abroad trip: https://sincerelyfromher.wordpress.com/2017/07/06/i-went-to-nicaragua/

By this time in the summer of 2017 until 2020, I keep coloring my roots a honey brown up until my “supposed to be graduation date” and my parents were awesome to throw a graduation party and I dyed my hair to a blondish balayage and cut my ends.

Now it’s 2021, and for my birthday I decided to dye my hair what I wish it was blue but instead, it was green (First I went “blonde” and then the “blue”). The hairstylist gave me false hope after I asked for reassurance numerous times at Ulta but well, I embraced my green mermaid hair (also got my money back and she blocked me on Instagram).

After that, I went to another salon three months after and got blue undertones along with the green because I let the stylist be creative with my hair.

Now it’s late spring and right before my Puerto Rico trip with friends, I dyed my hair at home using this turquoise color and touched it up with the same color a month or two later.

Sadly, I messed up my hair by trying a different hair color remover and I bleached my hair wrong. So, I had my white blondish hair in the front and a few greenish strand in the back of my hair for two weeks and then I dyed it pink (which I picked out from Sally’s).

Please keep in mind, during this time, I have just been coloring the colored hair, not my roots. When I dyed my hair at Ulta, I explained to them to go off an inch from my roots. So three months go by after I dyed my hair pink, and it’s August 2021, I decided that I was going to chop my hair off in late August which was right before my godmother’s wedding and the same week we came back from my boyfriend and I’s Utah Anniversary trip. On August 31st, I went to a hairdresser in town that cut my hair which wasn’t the best because she didn’t layer my hair correctly. It looked like a butcher cut it!

Happily, I found my holy grail of a salon that fixed the haircut for me. I went back in October to dye my hair one last time. It was a hot pink color this time. I decided that I was going to do a healthy chop from then on and stood by my word to not dye my hair anymore (which was hard), to simply cut away the hair that was colored and do a simple U-shaped short hairstyle above the shoulders every 6 months. WELL, I TRIED.

I chopped my hair off again at the end of March 2022, then in August 2022, I decided to do a bob haircut.

Now we made it to April 2023. I grabbed my inspo haircut (previous haircuts, I grabbed from Pinterest and one of my favorite content creators, @irisloveunicorns on IG) from one of my favorite spiritual queens @catherinemcbroom and did my final healthy chop which now, my hair is free! <3

Now, my virgin hair is back! It’s black but with a tint of brown when it hits the sunlight! I am so happy to be back here and look back to where I learned so much throughout all my years of dying my hair. I still can’t believe how fast my hair grew since me cutting it almost every 6-7 months. I did not know my hair could grow that fast.

Even though I went through a few panic attacks with my hair from 2021 to the end of the summer in 2021, it was all a learning experience and I always tried to remember that “MY HAIR GROWS BACK”!

Since early 2021, I have been on the path to creating myself again and picking up the pieces that were broken by others and also by me. I was so harsh on myself while society actually killed it more. I used to think that I had to constantly dye my hair to keep up with being “pretty”, and that “black, dark hair color” as people told me that it was a boring look on me, which shouldn’t have been the case before 2021.

However, since dying my hair “blue” for my 23rd birthday in January 2021, coloring my hair was more of an outbreak from the past stigmas that were anchoring me down and just letting my past go. That’s when I started to learn to use my voice and knowing my worth. It was NOT easy!! I cried a lot, let people go (with love), cried more, and felt lost but felt the light coming. I purged a lot, and my sadness kept coming to me to try to lure me back but I would not let it. Especially the second voice, I just could not let it get to me again. I fought so, so hard and can’t believe I won.

I can finally say I AM FREE <3 Nobody (but my boyfriend) knows & understands how important this self-love, soul-searching, self-finding journey has been. Especially in finding self-love, true love within myself. I was just a girl that was trying to fit in this world when I was desperately seeking ways to stay on this Earth and just catch up with society.

I’ve broken out and I am free. I am now in a much better place. I feel the love, I feel the energies around me, I feel everything to the core (like I always have, it’s extensive now). Now that I have my virgin hair is back, I can truly learn to love myself to the fullest and, just be ME.

Also, I almost forgot… the following quote is what helped me look at life differently. When Kevin Gates said “Instead of trying to find yourself, start creating yourself”, that is when it clicked.

Thank you for reading my story. I share it just in case someone out there feels the same but doesn’t feel understood. Here is living proof that miracles do happen, it just takes time. Don’t stop believing in yourself. 

Thankfully, I had my partner beside me through it all but, he always tells me that in the end, it was just me. That he was just on the sidelines cheering me on.

It’s also okay to do it alone. No matter where you are, please try to find your faith, your love in God, or whoever you believe. Just trust me, you matter. As one of my favorite bands named “The Amity Affliction” once said in their lyrics:

“Don’t Let The Way Of The World Destroy You.

You got this!