Learning to Love Myself

Over the years, I didn’t know how to love myself. Crazy to think how much society can take a toll on your life. I didn’t even know how to care up until the 4th grade I think. Like do you remember when you first started to care what people think? I knew I didn’t have a care in the world about my appearance until around the 4th grade, I started to care. I started to be really self-conscious because I was so skinny. I couldn’t even wear shorts comfortably because boys were around. I used to get into serious trouble by trying to avoid boys. I just didn’t want to be looked at or for boys to look at my skin. It got worse when people always pointed out how skinny I was. In middle school, there was a guy that I thought was my friend, who told people that I had sex in middle school because of the way I walked. I never felt so insecure about walking until after that.

I immediately closed myself and just felt ugly. One time, there was this one kid that was a close friend at the time telling me I would be prettier if I didn’t have pimples. That really got to me and made me feel so down because there I accepted I was ugly. Another time, I was just sitting on my porch and enjoying the trees and wind, and I overheard these two boys across the street talk about me. One of them asked “Would you date the girl across the street?” and he immediately shut that down because my arms were too fat. There was another time where I kept getting comments about my thigh gap and it frustrated me so much because I felt less of a girl. Just to let you know, this is still middle school. I remember their faces, I remember it all. Thankfully, I never had to associate myself with any of them in high school. At the time, I would listen to Ciara all the time. She was tom-boyish and when I only listened to her music, it made me feel pretty.

Once I got to high school, I always dressed in comfortable clothing. I was always in my own world and just refused to date any boys. Yes, I would talk to them but they just wanted my body and I just lost interest because it was only for one thing. I wouldn’t really accept any compliments or any nice gestures because I just didn’t see it in me. My appearance was one of the reasons why it brought me to depression because I was always overlooked. I just didn’t feel good enough. A lot of people don’t know but being forced to have a prom date because all of my friends had prom dates made me feel ugly. My friends at the time didn’t want me to feel left out but they never thought about my feelings. Before this prom date, I had a girl prom date because it was EF boys but before that, I did want to go to prom with my guy friend if he was to ask me but of course, I wasn’t the first choice. He only came to me when he didn’t have any girl to take to prom or when he was rejected so again, I was last. But I declined his gesture when he asked me because I already agreed to go with my friend at the time. I was perfectly fine doing that. I had to go to prom with a guy because of my friends begging me and vice versa with his friends forcing him.

No matter what, I was overlooked. I felt ugly and just closed myself. There were two guys that I actually did like but one of them, I got scared and just left him to protect my heart and the other one just chose someone else. In the end, I still felt ugly because I wasn’t worth fighting for. Even when I broke up with my ex, he didn’t even fight for me to stay. Again, I felt overlooked. However, it all changed once I started to date my boyfriend, Peaches. I had to go through a lot of healing, had to acknowledge what I felt, and go through them because I always pushed it away. Mind you, this is YEARS of not loving myself and the way my boyfriend first liked me to then start loving me, I never knew how that felt but trust me, it was a process. His love helped me see myself for me. It’s like I hid so much that I am still hiding to this day, uncovering layers that I never knew I had. I can say I love myself so much. I treat my body with kindness and can actually wear shorts, dresses, and cute outfits. I still don’t feel comfortable showing skin if I am by myself, but when I am with my boyfriend, friends, or in groups, I can wear cute outfits.

I never used to wear bikinis or cropped tops or shorts. I would have pants, basketball shorts, and sweatpants but not dresses, crop tops, and bikinis. Now, I have a bunch of drawers full of bikinis, lingerie, crop tops, cute tops, shorts, and dresses! Sometimes people say “you don’t need to be in a relationship to heal” but being in a relationship with my boyfriend Peaches is the greatest blessing of my life. He was and still is so patient with me, he never ran away and is always making sure he understands me. He always makes sure that I feel heard and always asks how I feel. I can look at myself in the mirror and just say all the wonderful things. I love my acne, I love my shiny face, I love my hip dips, I love my gut, I love me. Everything I once hated or felt uncomfortable with, I love now. When I was going through depression and really hated myself, I used to cut myself and now I  have scars on my arms, stomach, and thighs because those areas were the places where I wanted to feel the most but now, I show myself all the love. I treat myself with kindness. Sometimes I have my days but I immediately say sorry to myself and just hug myself a little longer.

I am living proof that you can beat that voice in your head that tells you otherwise. I still fight it every day, literally. However, it won’t beat me now. I love myself, I love how emotional I am, I love how I feel everything so deeply, I just love all the things I used to hate about myself. It was a long battle and I am so happy I got to fight it and beat it. Sometimes, you really just need to listen to what people say when they really care about you. The ones that care about you the most will cheer you on. It doesn’t need to be a boyfriend that can help you seek that change, I am just lucky that mine was my boyfriend. Love is great, it’s greater when you love yourself.